A Million Hits

By Christian Laforet

“Bro, my dick is killing me.” Kev adjusted the offending organ as he walked across the living room.

His roommate, Bryan, looked up over the rim of his Redbull. “Sucks dude. What’d you do to it?”

“No fucking idea man. I just woke up and it hurts so bad.”

Bryan chuckled. “Did you bang any bitches last night bro?”

Kev scratched his head. “I don’t know. I was drunk as shit. I think so though. I can remember a dirty, dirty girl, a tight hole and some serious moaning.”

“Niiiice,” Bryan said with a grin. His demeanor changed quickly though as a thought came to him. “Whoa—dude, maybe you got an STD.”

The thought horrified Kev. He had been hooking-up downtown for years and had, so far, never ended up with anything more than crabs. A pain rocketed up his penis. “Fuck man, I don’t know, but it hurts pretty bad.”

“You might want to go see a doctor or something. My brother got something called Trich. His piss was all green and foamy for like a month.”

“Shit no! I don’t want word getting out that I might have an STD. I’m gonna go take a look at it, then Google it. I don’t want to ruin my rep over some dumb shit like this.”

Kev ducked into the bathroom and instantly dropped his shorts. His dick was bruised and scraped, there was also a small lump along the right of the shaft. “Oh fuck me…”

Peeing was an exercise in torture. It took a great deal of coaxing to get anything to come out at all, and when a stream finally did emerge, it was bloody. “Jesus, no! What the fuck?”

Kev rushed back to his room and frantically searched the internet for answers. Several different options appeared before him; none of them good. He realized he would need to find the girl he had banged if he wanted any specific details about his condition.

“You okay? You look all pale and shit,” Bryan asked, the crumbs from the cold Pop Tart he was eating dotting his shirt.

“Fuck no, I’m not okay. My dick looks like it got attacked by a fuckin’ shark. I’m going over to the Machine to see if I can find out who I banged last night.”

Pop tart clutched in hand, Bryan waved. “Good luck bro. I hope your dick doesn’t fall off.”

Being a Sunday morning, the city’s downtown was empty. The streets were littered with various bits of junk, a testament to the level of partying that had gone on the night before.

His car pulled up to the curb in front of The Smoke Machine. Two floors of loud music, over-priced drinks and dancing flesh awaited all within…usually. In the light of day, the club looked like a sad, beige building with a trendy name stencilled above the door.

Kev made his way to the entrance. A puddle of what was clearly puke was drying in the morning sun, and a broken bottle of whiskey twinkled like diamonds next to an overflowing garbage can. He tried the handle, the door was locked. Unperturbed, Kev began knocking—loudly.

The door swung open, an annoyed looking woman wearing yellow rubber gloves stood before him. “What?”

Uh, I was here last night and uh…maybe I could come in?” Kev wasn’t really sure what he had hoped to accomplish by going to the club in the first place.

“Clubs closed. Come back tonight.” The woman slammed the door shut.

Kev was going to walk away when a throbbing wave of agony blasted his wiener. Leaning against the door frame, he waited until the pain subsided before banging on the door once again.

When the woman answered, Kev pushed his way past her.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?”

“Listen, this is really important. I was here last night and I think I might have been with someone. Is there anybody working that might remember?”

“Are you fucking retarded? Firstly, nobody here now was here last night. Me and Marco,” she motioned across the dance floor to a guy with a mop and bucket, “come in in the morning to clean up after you animals. Secondly, even if somebody was here from last night, do you really think they’d remember you?”

Kev wasn’t in the mood for the woman’s attitude. “Listen bitch, I just fucking asked, okay? You don’t got to be a cunt about it.”

Pointing a rubber clad finger towards the door, the woman shouted, “Get the fuck out of here before I call the cops!”

Back on the street, Kev began pacing along the front of the club. On the right side of the building, there was an alleyway which led to the back. A small yard with trees lay directly behind the place, it was frequently called the smokers’ grotto. He had a strange feeling that he was back there recently, but the memory was only a half-formed image at best. Still, it was something, so he started down the alleyway when his phone beeped with a text message.

Hey asshole, ur a real fuck for the way you treated Tara last night!

The message was from a girl named Milly. Besides sharing a class with Kev, the two had hooked-up a few times earlier in the year.

Wat? I dont even no wat ur talkin bout Millz

Last night asshole! I introduced u 2 my girl Tara and u had 2 be u and fuck shit up

Tara! It came back to him—at least partially. Milly had come with some of the girls who lived on her floor at the dorm. He had taken to Tara right away. He couldn’t remember anything beyond that though. He would need to do some fishing.

Wats Tara’s deal?

Really???? Whats her deal???? She’s attracted to loser dickheads that’s what!

Even though he couldn’t clearly remember exactly what had happened, Kev was pretty sure he could guess. He had met this Tara girl at the club. Things got hot-and-heavy and they must have ended up somewhere. He probably banged her and then when she wanted to talk, he bailed. It wouldn’t be the first time he broke a heart after hooking-up.

Listen Millz, u no how I get when Im drunk lol

Yeah I know. U start thinking with your dick

I want 2 say Im sorry, maybe u could give me Tara’s #

Ur such an asshole Kev, I ain’t giving you shit

Kev sent three more messages to Milly, she never replied. No matter, he remembered that Tara lived on her floor. He would just go down there, find the girl, and demand to know what kind of nasty shit she gave him.

The drive over was a torturous affair. An ache emanated from Kev’s crotch as soon as he pulled away from the curb. He had the unmistakable sensation of getting an erection, except there was nothing pleasurable about the experience. He hastily pulled over and yanked the band of his pants away from his waist. Sure enough, he was sporting wood.

“Fuck!” he gasped. He had not been prepared for what he was seeing. His boner was bent. Halfway up the shaft, the small lump from earlier, had grown into a big lump. It was extremely sensitive to the touch.

Kev tasked his mind to come up with the unsexiest images it could muster. Thoughts began cascading through his brain. When pro wrestling, porta-potties, and Indian food failed to quell the uprising in his underwear, Kev brought out the big guns. When he was thirteen, he had walked in on his Aunt Edith taking a dump. It was the single most revolting thing he had ever witnessed. The memory had the desired effect, and the impromptu erection began fading.

Taking a breath to calm his nerves, Kev knew he needed to find Tara as soon as possible. Clearly whatever horrible thing she had given him was getting exponentially worse.

The college dorms were located just off campus and were spread across a group of buildings. Being cheap bastards, the college had never bothered to install elevators, so Kev had to drag himself, and his badly injured manhood, up five flights of stairs. By the time he reached his destination, he was gasping for air and sweating profusely.

His plan had been to knock on every door in the hallway until he found Tara. He caught a break though when a fat girl came bouncing by. Kev turned on the charm—which was not an easy thing to do considering the state he was in—and had the girl eating out of his hand in no time. With a promise to take her out sometime, the girl pointed him towards Tara’s door.

Tara answered on the first knock. If he wasn’t in so much pain, Kev would have relished the surprised look on her face.

“Didn’t expect to see me, did you?” Kev’s voice dripped disdain.

Tara gave her head a small shake. “Uh…nope, actually. I figured after last night you wouldn’t care if we ever talked again.”

Normally she would be right, but Kev needed answers. “Oh yeah, that would be just perfect for you, wouldn’t it?” Tara opened her mouth to speak, but Kev cut her off. “I don’t want to hear anything from your skank bitch mouth, except for what kind of sick shit you gave me.”

“I have no idea what the fuck you’re going on about, but if you’re done, I’d like to go back to doing anything other than talking to you.”

“Cut the shit! I know I banged you last night. You gave me some kinda STD.” Kev jabbed his finger accusingly towards Tara.

She burst out laughing. “You think—you think I fucked you? Pah-leeze, you’re the biggest loser I’ve ever met. I only let you hit on me because you were buying my drinks. When you started grabbing at my tits, I told you fuck off and went and found myself a real man. Last I saw of your pathetic ass, you were stumbling towards the smokers’ grotto behind the club.”

Kev opened his mouth to call her a liar, but was not fast enough and instead found himself staring at her closed door.

There it was again, the smokers’ grotto. He had been sure that he had recently gone back there and now hearing that bitch confirm it, he was starting to think that was where he had messed up his dick.

As he walked away from Tara’s door, Kev ducked into a shared bathroom. He stood in front of the one of the mirrors behind the sinks and dropped his pants. Even with the erection gone, the bulge on the side of his penis was growing. Plus, it had started to take on a black and purple colour. For the first time, Kev considered the possibility that it may be permanently disabled. That realization caused him to go pale, he had to steady himself against one of the sinks to keep from passing out. As soon as the sensation passed, he ran from the building. He’d be damned if he let somebody get away with this.

Kev’s car jumped the curb in front of The Smoke Machine. He had become desperate and couldn’t waste time on things like proper parking. He started up the alleyway between the buildings and, almost immediately, heard a very familiar moaning sound. As he rounded the corner into the back of the club, he saw that somebody had wedged a beer can into the corner of the building were a brick had gone missing. As the wind passed the can, a soft moan issued from the opening.

Kev shook his head. So what? He could still remember the dirty, dirty girl and more importantly, the tight hole. He was sure he had had sex last night, all he needed was that final clue which would reveal who that person was.

The smokers’ grotto was a depressing patch of earth. A ring of dead and dying trees lined a circle of hard-packed dirt. Several thousand cigarette butts dotted the ground. Kev cleared the trees and let out a pained wail. He fell to his knees as an explosive cannonball of torment bounced along his penis. It was the worse pain yet. Without thinking, he slid his hands into his pants and began gently caressing himself.

A rasping voice snuck up on him. “You’re back again eh, pervert.”

Kev turned to see a homeless woman sitting against one of the farther away trees. “Excuse me?” He said through clenched teeth.

A cackling laugh rocked the woman; her raggedy clothes rippled. “Last night was pretty wild.”

Crawling closer to the lady, Kev watched as the woman absentmindedly scooped up the nearest cigarette butt, popped it into her mouth and, with a cheap, plastic lighter, lit the blackened end. “Listen lady, I’m fucking hurting here, so if you know anything about last night, just tell me!”

A wicked smile spread across her face. She raised her hands. On her right hand she made a circle with her index finger and thumb. With the other hand, she stuck her middle finger out rigidly and quickly began sliding it through the circle.

For a moment, all of Kev’s dick pain disappeared. A thought was starting to force its way through his mind and he did not like it. He remembered a girl, a dirty, dirty girl. Well, this lady was as dirty as they came.

“Wait…are you, no, no! You’re not saying…,” Kev put a hand to his mouth in horror. “Did I bang you last night?”

The woman let out another cackle of laughter. She spread two fingers across to either side of her mouth and then flicked her tongue between them.

Kev’s head was spinning. Who knew what kinds of diseases this woman had. “That’s not funny,” he shouted. “After we—after we—after last night, I got something from you and now my fucking dick is dying!”

“Relax, big boy, you didn’t get into this rose garden.” The woman let her hand slide down the front of her soiled dress.

“Oh thank fuck!” Kev was inundated with relief.

Taking a final puff from the depleted cigarette, the bag lady tilted her head to the right and cocked a thumb towards the gnarled tree she was leaning against. “No, you didn’t fuck me, you fucked this tree!”

Even from several feet away, Kev could see the circular opening in the side of the tree. He rushed forward, his hands and knees sending cigarette butts flying. As he neared the tree, he felt his stomach churn at the sight. Bits of skin and pubic hair still clung to the bark around the opening.

His phone started ringing.


Bryan’s voice belted from the other end. “Kev bro, I was just watching some stuff on YouTube and I-“

“Now’s…not the time man.”

“No dude, I saw you.”

“What are you-“a pained yelp cut him off. The agony was reaching a crescendo.

“Uh…you okay, bro?”

Kev managed to regain his composure enough to talk. “No! So, just-just tell me what you’re talking about.”

“Oh yeah, so, like, I was watching people do dumb shit on YouTube and I saw a video of you.”

“What? What was I doing?”

“Dude…you were fucking a tree.”

Kev slumped to the ground. What was he going to do? He was never going bang anybody ever again if that video got out. He had a thought. “Bryan, you need to find out who posted it, and then we’ve got to get it pulled off before anybody sees it.”

A moment of silence came from the other end of the phone. Just when Kev felt like the call must have been dropped, his roommate spoke. “Sorry, bro, but…but it already has like, a million hits.”

6 thoughts on “A Million Hits

    • Hey, what can I say, that’s me, Mr. Childish Humor. I’m glad you found it funny though. The scary thing is, I know people just like the guy in this story (minus the tree part lol).

  1. It reminded me of that joke where the wildman was brought to civilization after many years alone in the woods. They decided to treat him to a hooker, where he promptly grabbed a broom and chased the poor girl. They stopped him. “What are you doing?” He waved the broom handle, “Before sex, me check for bees!”

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