“I lost my friend this mornin’, woke up screamin her name, She meant so much to me, I’m scared I won’t be the same” ~~ Big K.R.I.T. “The Vent”

The water runs, cold and hot together to create the perfect mixture. I can feel the tensions seize my body, the aches wreck my soul, this day has never been an easy one, it has always brought me back to that moment, the one single moment when time stopped, the lights dulled, and memories became a silent killer stalking me in my waking dreams.

I reach down and push the faucets in watching the last few drops trickle, as I slowly remove the robe that covers my body, I look down upon the gentle reminders that blanket my legs, arms, chest and each one marks a release, a memory, each one a memory of ‘Time Lost’. I lower myself into the water letting out a small yet audible moan, as I lean back drifting deeper and deeper in until my ears are submerged with the water and everything disappears, the water was there for me than as it is here for me know as the memories steal me away.

The water was my sanctuary in that moment, it was my retreat from the business I had set in motion, she was coming down, she was going to be here with me, finally a Christmas with my family. I remember the water washing over me, the goosebumps of this pending moment, I can still feel them. I tried so hard to scrub them out of my soul, but they never fade, they are just there.

I slowly pulled myself away from the safety of the water, the water never judged me, never rejected me, it was calm and there for me whenever I needed it, as I pull myself out of the tub, I don’t bother to dry off as I embark into the coldness that continued to haunt me, it wasn’t the winter crisp, it was the memories.

My skin is naked much like how I feel, as I pass through the house entering the kitchen as I am swept away once again by another sensation as my nose is filled with the smells of that fateful day, my eyes sting as I try so hard to pull myself away but to no avail my feet are planted and I am swept to yet another moment I cannot seem to outrun.

***
Remembering the water on that day, it was early, it was going to be special, and it was going to be forever. I wanted to loosen up as I could feel the butterflies in my stomach so overcoming with their need to spring out and just celebrate with me, I was going to do it, I was finally going to do it, what better day than Christmas Eve to pop the question, what better present could I give my beautiful ‘Tristan’ then the gift of my love for all of time.There was so much to do, I had to finish preparing dinner, and as my friends know I can’t cook at all.

I moved towards the dining room, looking up towards the clock, she should be here shortly, I light the candles two candles signifying our union, two candles signifying our love, they blur and bend as time passes.  My mind wandered until I heard the whistle of the kettle go as I look through the steam that poured out, “Where are you ‘T’?” My vision blurs as I stared straight towards the clock, ’11:11’ I looked over towards the window to see that the sun was long gone, the darkness consumed the light, the reds were drowned in the blacks and my heart skipped.
***

“I love you Tristan,” Those would be the last words we spoke to one another. Those were the last words before the attack, before they came and took everything away from me.  It’s funny how one can become so consumed with something so mundane like preparing dinner that they don’t even realize the world outside is being destroyed.

It was at that time when the invaders set upon the earth carving death and destruction upon every corner of this tiny planet and yet I was clueless.  I was lost in my thoughts, in my love as the world outside was set on fire.

11:11, Those numbers will always be etched within my soul, those numbers, that time, this day will always consume me. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe I deserve this.  What good can come from love when a simple set of numbers can destroy you.

I continue to move through the house of a thousand memories, of pain and torment, of tragedy and sorrow, then it hits me, two beading lights penetrate my eyes as flashes of metal and chaos surrounds me, to find out that way left me barren without emotions, to turn on the TV only to see flashing red lights, chaos and destruction, and there she was my beautiful ‘T’ lifeless, alone, gone.

I didn’t see the world, I didn’t see the lives lost.  All I saw in that moment was my beautiful ‘T’.  The world had been set on fire and for me I selfishly only saw the person I loved. Why that memory is so pronounced will haunt me forever, my heart skips at the mere thought of my beautiful flawless angel shattered, broken. Red of Blood, lifeless.  They pronounced her death at 11:11 PM.  The moment, the exact moment my world was consumed by darkness. The exact moment my life ended.

I come back to this place every year at this time to remember why I became what I’ve become.  A Warrior, whose only destiny in life is to kill all those that took her away from me.  I kneel here in this garden of memories allowing the tears to surrender to the cool night air, I grieve for her, my beautiful ‘Tristan’,

I grieve for the secrets yet to be revealed, she carried our unborn child, and I carried the proposal, the tears seem to stop, frozen by the brisk air of night. Then I feel it’s gentle kisses from the sky as I looked up and see the stars fall and I can hear her whisper to me, “I love you,” as the snow starts to fall, and it is Christmas, the day I almost had my family.

***
(Special Thank You to Dorrie for sharing the song that inspired me while writing this story)